how i'm feeling these days

I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN

THAT GIVEN A CAPE AND A NICE TIARA

I COULD SAVE THE WORLD

- curly girl design

one foot in front of the other

i ran my first half marathon on sunday and i still have the adrenaline rush. my friend holly (below) and i began training in early january. every week,despite the winter weather, we'd do a long run outside. the longs runs began at 10km then moved to 12km, 15km and finally 18 km. however on sunday i ran 21.5km in 2 hours and 2 minutes. i never thought i'd be able to do something like this. i've never trained for anything like this before. and i can't wait to do it again.

being physically fit is definitely necessary to run a half marathon however the bigger factor is your mental preparedness. i really don't think i'm mentally strong enough yet. if i hadn't been running with 1000s of others runners and if the streets hadn't been lined with people cheering, i may have quit. kilometers 19 -20.5 were really hard. but at least now i know what i need to work on. for my next half (hopefully in august) i want to be under 2 hours and feeling no mental anguish.

sunday was a big day for my mom. she walked the half marathon in 3 hours and 27 minutes!! go mom go! big day for the ladies of the household.

back to where i was 5 months ago - trying to decide what to do with my life.

i was accepted into all of the programs i applied for and chose 'international project management' (IPM). very exciting program

i've applied for an internship (8months) with a women's coalition in Zimbabwe

i have an opportunity for advancement at the Y - director of membership services.

the job at the Y isn't my dream job - but it would be amazing experience. IMP would be very interesting and directly related to where i want to go career wise but i'm nervous about finding employment in the field. would the experience i'd get at the Y help me sooner than the taking the program? most employers want experience not more education.

the thought of living in toronto is exciting and sad. i'm finally making friends, getting involved and feeling settled. do i want to move again? if i don't, will i always be here?

people! am i alone? how can any of you make decisions?

THIS is a badonkadonk

i realize what i'm about to write about encompasses a lot of issues; issues such as body image, pop culture, media, drugs and women.

i recently started watching season 1 of the tv show 'weeds'. i've got lots to say about the show. if you haven't seen it, you should check it out. anyways, in one of the episodes the star of the show, this skinny white woman (what...a skinny white woman on tv?) and her black, male co-star are having a discussion. she bends over in front of him and he says (quoting loosely) "you've got a nice badonkadonk". EXCUSE ME. no, i'm sorry. she does NOT have a badonkadonk. I HAVE a badonkadonk.

some of you may not know what a badonkadonk is. do a quick google. of the artles i've read, 95% are positive. it refers to :

1. A girl with a kickin booty. Something that you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down. Bounce! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=B+Donka+Donk

2. Badonkadonk is a slang term for a woman's buttocks that are voluptuously large and firm, yet bouncy. Women who possess this feature have a small waist that flares dramatically into round, peach-shaped buttocks[1] with deep cleavage. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Badonkadonk

for too many years i've rejected certain parts of my body. it was teased in elementary school for having a big butt. high school wasn't a lot better. my early 20s were spent knowing that i should KNOW better than to fall for the 'magazine should be' body. then there was japan, where well, curve was not in.

so now i'm 29 and i love, yes, i said it, yes i meant it, i love my badonkadonk. i don't want to get into the nitty gritties of the term. what i do want to get into is some skinny chick taking this word. i don't think so. its ours. the us with curve. the us who don't fit into the box we've been pushed into for decades. the us who finally say YES TO BIG BUTTS. and you know...i cannot lie.

group in(ter)action

today at my african dance class we were studying dances that people do at wedding and birthday celebrations in Zimbabwe. as my teacher was explaining the different backgrounds to the dances, i started to feel a little sad. in this culture of independence and the individual, i think we've forgotten the importance of group activity. there is something really special about groups engaged in harmonious movement. i believe energy created my those involved creates a link/bond. togetherness is definitely lacking in my society. i'm not suggesting that don't have group interaction - team sports and dance floors are easy examples. what i am suggesting is that we don't have a cultural/national 'dance', a cultural/national space where we come together and move, where we build an energy, grow, and move on. it's too bad.
does line dancing count?

Maggie

Maggie! oh how i love my cat. she wakes me up, without fail, at 5am every morning. if my door is shut, she'll scratch it until i open the door. if she's in my room she'll start by gently pawing my face, then slowly bringing out her claws - not in a mean way - just in a way that ensures i can't sleep. she never throws up in my room and never poops where she shouldn't.

why do we have pets? is it unfair keeping a 'wild' animal indoors. sure i let maggie on the patio but she has never known 'freedom'. do i feel bad it? yes sometimes i do. but if she doesn't know anything else does it make it ok? i don't think i'd ever get another pet but i'm sure glad maggie (aka mu-chan) is in my life. oh to purrrrr like a kitty.

YOU

in one of those moods where i'm feeling really blessed for all of the amazing people i have had or continue to have in my life. thanks to you for those nights we rocked out on the dance floor. thanks to you for letting me cry. thanks to you for driving me around. thanks to you for all of those times we hiked and camped. thanks to you for some wild karaoke tunes. thanks to you for that first kiss. thanks to you for introducing me to that new band. thanks to you for laughing at and with me. thanks to you for sharing your secrets with me. thanks to you for running by my side. thanks to you for keeping me in check. thanks to you for some great chill out time. thanks to you for the inside jokes. thanks to you for letting me use your notes for classes i missed in uni. thanks to you for all the 420. thanks to you for letting me in your life.

Fun day

had a great day today with my uncle. about 15 minutes from my house there's this huge lake and wonderful hiking trail. felt great spending the whole day outside. as we were walking we heard this loud crashing/breaking sound. we looked onto the lake and saw this huge piece of ice smash into a rock jutting out of the lake. as the sheet of ice hit the rock, it would shatter causing an awesome noise.

katie or kate

i've noticed recently a growing number of people calling me kate. i would guess that since i've moved to halifax, most of the new people i've met call me kate. i introduce myself as katie, however it gets stored in their memory as kate. why? i'm finding it quite odd, especially as some older friends and family members are doing it now too. surely 'katie' isn't THAT long and difficult to pronounce. i don't mind it. in fact i sort of like it but i just don't understand the sudden shift. is katie a little girl's name? do i look like a kate more than a katie? is it the short hair?
any thoughts?

i'm so glad i decided to take a fitness certification program. i love working out. i hate HATE studying anatomy. changing careers is something i've decided not to do. simple motivation - sure. getting into the nitty grittys - no thanks.
so.....looks like i'm down to two programs - international project management and not for profit management. the later being the safer of the two however i think my heart is in the former. i have to stop being scared and take some risks. to quote my friend val "face the fear and do it anyways"

big big weekend

had an event filled weekend. saturday morning was my mission possible run! after 2 months my clinic members 'graduated' from the learn to run program. they started off walking and running at 1:1 intervals and finished with 1:10! they ran almost 5km. i was really really proud of them. most have decided to continue on in other clinics - either the 5km or 10km. some were even talking about half marathons! yiipppeeee

and on sunday I DROVE OVER 40KM!! i hit top speeds of 85km per hour. i'm still a little uncomfortable driving that fast (yes you can laugh) but with practice i'll gain more confidence. my aunt linda is a rock star for teaching me. she must have nerves of steel....although she was chain smoking! haha.

random dance floor connections

i love dancing. alone. with friends. in a class. in a bar. slow. fast. poorly. like a diva. whatever. what i really love though are those occasions where you have the random dance floor connection. you know what i'm talking about. you see someone (and not your own reflection karl lol) and they see you and you both know you are riding the same boogie wave. you spend the whole night together. you might be sober. you may not be. sometimes you exchange names. normally it's just high 5s, smiles and communicating through music and moves. it's not sexual. it's not about picking up. it can be either gender. it's about the two of you rocking out, sharing a powerful moment in each other's lives. not sure who you were last night (and all the other times it's happened) but thanks.

well my training is over and i've started my position. it's pretty overwhelming. like any job, once i understand everything it'll be easy....it's this whole learning process while trying to appear knowledgeable that's killing me. i think some of the other staff aren't impressed that i was given this job and are making my job more difficult. what's up with that? why are people are so immature. i mean really. i've talked about it with some a few people and they assure me the childishness will end soon. i hope soon gets here quickly.
still waiting to hear back from a few programs. it's exciting having so many possibilities.

note to dawn: do you have a cat in t.o? i had a dream about being in your apartment with a cat who was in trouble or something. making sure everything is ok with darby.

love this photo. love this man

this is a photo of my friend seb in japan. he's the kind of person who probably eats bark for breakfast (just joking seb). he recently sent me this photo of himself doing some ice climbing. i regret never trying this with him.
miss those sequence nights and french folk singing.

achieving goals and new challenges

my running clinic is almost finished. i've watched my participants start a program of running and walking at 1 minute intervals to just completing 8:1 intervals (running:walking). next week they'll do 10:1! it has been amazing watching them increase and improve in their cardiovascular endurance and self confidence.

today 2 members told me that they've decided to train for a 10km run in june. how amazing is that? they thought they'd never be able to finish my 5km clinic and here they are on their way up up up. they were so happy and excited. it really made my day.

tarot reading

i had a tarot card reading done yesterday and it was really really interesting. i know there are a lot of non-believers out there - i guess that's what makes it so fun. i didn't ask a specific question but rather connected the information to my current career/schooling situation. here is a brief summary:

he began with saying that in past i had been in control of my life. for a brief period up until recently, i had completely lost that control as well as focus/direction (hello japan?). i have now regained control but in order to make the right decision on external creative force will have to aid in the decision. i pulled a seeker card as one of my present cards which was interpreted as being a little afraid because i can't see really far into the future and that's what is holding me back. however i need to let this creative force help me. for my future i pulled a card with 5 swords meaning that i was 'armed' for whatever i choose and will come out on top. it was pretty interesting.

posting: i've had a few emails from friends saying they can't post on my blog. not sure what the deal is.

new job

well i have a new job! i'm pretty excited about it as it's FULL TIME and SALARY and something i'll ENJOY at the ymca!! the position is called 'team leader of membership' and basically it involves supervising the floor staff, member relations and members' financial assistance applications. it is going to be a lot to learn but i feel it's a big step in the right direction - either within a not for profit or getting more involved with a fitness/recreation organization. finally.....something worthwhile.
i'll keep teaching the running clinics at the running room and hopefully start aerobics in april. my classes are going to rock. i'll share the details later.

be mine

well it's that wonderful and sincere day yet again. don't get me wrong, i'm not one for passing up chocolate, kisses, hugs and PDA (to an extent), but when it's chucked in your face it can be a little hard to take.

i've been fortunate enough to be the only woman involved in a few rather candid conversations about women, sex and relationships. i am very rarely surprised with things i hear....however both conversations really floored me. i know i can't stereotype and say all men think like this but what i heard was really really startling! i'm talking 'market value', rating systems, thin versus 'fat' chicks, performance in bed and what it says about personality etc. from what i heard, i now understand titles of books such as "men are venus women are from mars"...(or something like that).

one door has opened

while i've pretty much decided to change career goals, i have received an offer of admittance to a program i've applied for. it is the most competitive program i applied to, and am a little surprised. yipppeee. here's a blurb about this one year postgrad program

International Project Management
This unique program is the only one of its kind in North America, and places graduates all over the world. Both humanitarian qualities and management skills are needed to excel in a career that entails managing international aid and disaster relief projects. Students will find themselves in some of the hardest environments in the world for long periods of time - far from familiar services and technology. Program faculty are chosen for their expertise and experience in international development and many continue to work with various international non-government organizations (NGOs).
Refer to our Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) at humber.ca/faq for up-to-date information.
For more information, visit business.humber.ca.
Work Placement
An eight-week work placement can be paid or voluntary, and is initiated by the student

29 things about me

well seeing as i'm now a whopping 29 years old, i thought i'd fulfill your day by telling you 29 things about me (my first entry was 28 things about myself...i haven't reread it since then...lets see if i have any double facts)

1. that's me to the right

2. my favourite author is margaret atwood

3. i don't like the colour pink

4. i think athletes are paid too much

5. i know i'm underpaid

6. i have a cat who wakes me up at 5am EVERY MORNING

7. i'm learning to drive

8. my right arm is totally gimpy looking

9. i am about to change career goals and go into fitness. i'll be a certified aerobic instructor for the ymca by april

10. i love to dance. i love to dance. i love to dance

11. someone once told me i reminded them of a sexy librarian

12. i hate computers

13. when i was little i hated sentences that contained more consonants than vowels. i would reword phrases until it contained more vowels. i was especially happy if 'e' appeared the most.

14. regarding #13....is that f**ked?

15. i really miss my friends from japan

16. i really miss my girls from university

17. i spent a vacation hitchhiking across an island in japan

18. i'm currently training for a half marathon (i'm ready) and a sprint distance triathlon (swimming is brutal)

19. i love rye and ginger ( but i've cut myself off from tuesday nights at tribeca)

20. i live with my mom

21. mean people suck

22. i'm mean sometimes

23. i have a brother who lives in new york

24. i try to meditate but i get too restless

25. i love camping but not peeing outside

26. i'm starting to see the benefits of having a 'full' bottom

27. i've never shoplifted

28. i hate the sight of blood

29. i'm a very sensitive person

missing in action

this photo was taken in april (yes april) on top of akan mountain in hokkaido. (i'm in the red jacket). we all snow shoed to to the summit with our packs in search of the cabin.....the weather was pretty intense but luckily after a 2 hour hike and another hour searching at the summit, we did find the cabin. as you can see it was half burried under snow. thank you duncan for digging out the doorway.

we spent the night all curled up around the coal fireplace having a few drinks, tokes, singing and eating the wonderful grub we had prepared. paul even brought his guitar (although james carried it up).

what a wonderful time this was. we were totally isolated on-top of a mountain in one of japan's most beautiful national parks. i really miss this aspect of my life.

changing tides

i've been debating whether or not to write about this on my blog. i've made a major decision in my life and i'm sort of in a scary place and writing about it somehow makes it real or something.

i've spent as long as i can remember wanting to work in the not-for-profit industry. i've always volunteered, attended events promots social justice issues, have a BA in sociology/women's studies, am preparing for grad school to develop more skills and knowledge in the industry. however i've never looked forward to having a sit down job - an office job. but that's the way it works right. ?

a few weeks something clicked in my head. i don't want to work in this industry. i don't want to go to grad school. i'm not going.

i've decided to get into fitness and recreation management. i'm taking my first fitness certification through the ymca starting in 2 weeks. i've missed most deadlines for programs starting in the fall but am going to keep searching or apply for next winter entry.

i'm so excited. i can't believe it has taken me 29 years (and a million cigarettes) to find my niche.

i'm really nervous. the grad applications were still submitted. just in case......

is this you? it's kinda me

a friend emailed me this. thought it was pretty interesting

For those of us in our twenty-somethings, this puts it all into> >>words perfectly. They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when> >>you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there> >>are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know....and may> >>not like. You start feeling a little insecure and wonder where you> >>will be in a year or two, but then you get scared, because you> >>barely know where you are NOW. You start realizing that people> >>really are selfish and Maybe those friends that you thought you> >>were so close to, aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever> >>met, but the people you lost touch with are some of the most> >>important ones. What you do not realize, is that they are realizing> >>that too. They are not really cold or catty, mean or insincere, but> >>are merely as confused as you and a little caught up. You look at> >>this job you have. It is not even close to what you thought you> >>would be doing... Or maybe you don't even have one. That's even> >>better.> >>> >>You miss the comforts of socializing with the same people on a> >>constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so> >>great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what> >>you want and do not want. Your opinions seem to have gotten> >>stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging> >>more than usual, because suddenly you realize that you have set> >>certain boundaries in your life, and are adding to the list of> >>things that you find acceptable or not. You feel insecure and then> >>so very secure. You seem to laugh and cry with the greatest or> >>forces. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is> >>the enemy, you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but> >>soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and> >>there is nothing to do but stay where you are.... or move forward.> >>You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do> >>such damage to you or how YOU let them have that much control on> >>your heart. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone> >>decent enough spend time with to get to know better. You finally> >>love someone.... but you also love someone else too, You cannot> >>figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.> >>Really you aren't.... One night stands and random hook ups start to> >>look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot looks> >>pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and> >>over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you> >>cannot seem to make a decision on anything.> >>> >>You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life> >>for yourself, and while winning the race would be great, right now> >>you would just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is> >>that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of> >>times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure> >>this whole thing out.> >>> >>Send this to your twenty-something friends... maybe it will help> >>someone feel like they are not alone in their confusion !!>>>>Lindsay Watters

help this kid out

here is a copy of an email i was sent. how cool would it be if he got letters from around the world!!


Hi Everyone,

As some of you might have heard on the News or on the radio: "There is a seven year old boy named Shane who has been at CHEO in the oncology unit battling cancer for a year. Shane is trying to beat the current world record of the most greeting cards received while in the hospital before he turns eight years old. Kiss FM is trying to help Shane with his wish by asking everyone to send a card to Shane over the next few weeks. Shane’s birthday is May 30th so you could even send him early birthday greetings.


If you have a few minutes to spare, please send a card to Shane to help brighten his spirits and help him reach his goal.



You can also forward to your friends and they can sent their cards to:



Shane

c/o Kiss FM

2001 Thurston Drive

Ottawa, ON K1G 6C9

don't really have much to say. my days are very full at the moment. i am working three part time jobs, have dance and computer classes twice a week, essays for school coming out of my ass and a volunteer commitment. i'm glad. when i have free time i feel restless and am anxious to find something to occupy my mind. is that bad? is it a sign that you don't really want to be left to your own devices? am i avoiding something? people who seem to be able to chill, take life slowly, do usually seem more put together.....(hmm, do i really think that?) or they just don't give a shit so of course they seem 'ok'. what do you think? (esp you dawn because i know you are a rise-at-6am-keep-going-all-day-too-kinda-grrl too)

oh and driving! i have one more parking lot lesson and then i'm ready for the streets! yippee

hard core

do i talk about my accident too much? well it's my blog so too bad! just got my computer updated so i can download photos from my camera finally!
this is how i flew home. crazy eh.

got another part time job at the ymca. really really excited about it.

peacock

i had a really cool compliment last night. i was dancing with my friend angela and she said i reminded her of a peacock (do you remember Ang?)

besides their STUNNING beauty, here are some facts peacocks (or peahens for the women):

Peacocks (Pavo cristatus) are members of the pheasant family. The word peacock actually refers to the male bird, while females are peahens, and the young are peachicks.

A group of these together is referred to as a bevy.

These grand birds like peace and harmony

Reaching heights of over three feet, an adult peacock’s ‘train’ of tail feathers can be sixty inches in length.

the image of the peacock is considered striking

Peacocks will also eat just about anything they can get their beaks into, so be sure that garbage and debris such as paper is not left in their reach.

this and that

ran 16km today! 1:34!! this is the longest i've ever ran! yippee. i'm also a clinic instructor for a group of 25 adults in a 'learn to run' program. should be fun. call me 'coach kt'

saw the surgeon last week. need to go for another operation sometime this year. wow, that narrows it down!

got new glasses. expect photos soon.

i see.....

had my eyes checked yesterday. besides the fact that i'm about 3 years over-do, my eyes have been bothering me lately so i knew it was time for a new prescription. well i do in fact need to change my lenses....because my vision has IMPROVED!!!! isn't that crazy? my eyes are hurting because my lenses are too strong!!! i was jumping for joy. i'm going from a -1.75 lense to -1.0!!! now i just need to find a new pair of frames.

"i can see clearly now my vision's back....."

kt behind the wheel

tomorrow is my SECOND driving lesson! it's so exciting sitting behind the wheel. so much pressure! i learned how to start, stop, check mirrows, blind spots and even hit top speeds of 13km per hour! my aunt has kindly agreed to give me some lesson - in her kick ass jeep.

during my run today, i ran 12km in little over an hour - guess i run as fast as i drive. nice.

personal development day

i'm so excited it's wednesday. i've decided to make wednesdays my personal development day! i told my boss i always need wednesdays off and luckily it was no problem. each wednesday from 12-1:30 i have dance class! i'm sooooooooo excited. i'm taking modern dance at a good dance school in town. today is my first class. i can't wait. during the evening i'm taking a computer course at a university in town. booooooooo. i CAN wait. however computer skills are essential in today's labour field so i'm biting the bullet. i had my student photo id made yesterday. how exciting! i was so happy to be back inside the huge library. later on i'll meet my friend tracy for our wednesday night ritual - $2.50 run shots and live raggae/dub. yippeeee.

highlights of 2006 - part 5

january 1st - 12th

i'm in the philippines and having a wonderful time. i have two very powerful moments during my travels.

on new year's eve i meet a young guy who is a guitarist in the band playing at a bar i'm waitressing at (to get free room and board....long story). he's around 18 years old and a real sweetie. he offers to come with me the next day and show me around his town. i take him up on his offer.

we hire a motorcycle taxi - i'm in the middle, the driver in the front and he on back. so safe! we visit local sights and have a fun day. he tells me he and his roommate have just moved here and he wants to show me his very own place. is it safe? sure! we get the taxi to drop us off at his 'home'. it is the first time i've left highly traveled areas and am in a 'slum' area. jagged glass pieces are stuck in cememt along the brick fence that surrounds the area he lives in. his neighbours have this too in hopees of preventing people from breaking in - or big scary dogs. i go into his 'house'. he is so proud.

what i see i would hardly call a home. it is about 10feet long and 6 feet wide. there is no window just a metal door that sort of shuts. no electricity, no running water. the only thing inside is a bamboo mat that they both sleep on. he is so proud. he plays in the band and with the money he earns he pays his part of the rent. he uses a sink outside to get water and cannot cook any meals. what i would call a dump he calls home. with pride. what a snob i am.

a few days later i am visiting another island. my tricycle driver and i become friends and he stops charging me fare and instead we just hang out. he offers to take to me a party one night. i feel a little nervous. the media always reports how tourists get raped/mugged/beat up by poor locals in 'developing' countries. surely my 'luck' can't be good enough twice?

i decide to go anyways. we venture off from tourist-ville and along narrow foot paths in the forest. i'm feeling nervous. we get to a small village and onto his cousins house. everyone greets me warmly - sisters, friends, cousins, aunts and uncles. there is so much good food. i think i even eat meat. we drink rum and laugh and dance. when i decide to go home he takes me back to ensure i don't lost and that i arrive safely.

i go to vancouver in september. it's the scariest place i have ever been. i don't feel safe. no one is friendly. i think of yule and christian and feel ashamed for the racist and poverty-fear i felt while in the philippines.

highlights of 2006 - part 4

december 24th

christmas eve and i'm not feeling the christmas cheer. could be a result of working retail, no snow...who knows. we are having family over for yummy eats and drinks. i love my family - they are a group of really funny, interesting and original people. to quote my aunt pam, we are "normal dysfunctional". it's this normal dysfunction i am sort of dreading tonight. one on one i enjoy my relatives but sometimes as a large group i find it stressful. i'm not in the mood.
we are all making small chit chat. i mentioned earlier in the month to my aunt that i really really REALLY wanted to sing carols on xmas eve. i hadn't sung carols in years and it is all i really wanted to do. she put together a bunch of carols and made copies for everyone. the moment comes. i suggest we sing carols expecting everyone to laugh and not go for it. how wrong i am!!!! we sing a bunch of carols. lots of laughing and few full efforts. even boppa is joining in (he doesn't really have a voice). i'm in full xmas mode. what a wonderful gift to me.

highlights of 2006 - part 3

july 29th

i've left my town, rubeshibe, and am now in niseko with my friend katie. niseko is one of our favourite places in japan. it is a nature-lovers haven offering skiing, snow-shoeing, hiking, rafting, mountain running, adventure races and mountain biking.....yes, mountain biking.

katie and i have decided to spend 4 days camping in niseko with each day offering a different outdoor sport. we decided that no boys were allowed. we had spent the past year doing all of our outdoor sporting in large groups of men and this was a 'girls rock out' event. nice.

it's day 3. we rent mountain bikes and head out for a day of adventure. i'm feeling great. i am literally 100meters from our goal - the onsen!!! i'm going fast and lose my confidence. i brake hard and that's all i really remember.

i realize i'm groaning and when i open my eyes i see blood all over my hands and can feel it dripping off of my chin. i try to use my tongue to feel if i have any teeth but my mouth is too swollen to allow my tongue to move. i sort of remember a car stopping ahead of me, my friend katie arriving and someone else washing my face. i'm crying. "katie...is my face ok?" i'm so worried i've fucked up my face. i don't seem to notice the pain in my arms yet. "you're going to be fine" she pats me on the on the shoulder.

katie comes in the ambulance with me. i'm in shock and barking out orders. "how am i going to get home? where is my wallet, i don't have insurance, do they take visa? where are my glasses? is my face ok?" i'm trying to speak japanese to the paramedic but can't seem to make any sense. katie is amazing at keeping me calm. "don't worry...i'll handle everything" she says. she does.

there is so much to this story i could write for days. katie stays with me at hotel, packs up the camping gear and carries both of our huge packs around. she washes and feeds me, repacks my suitcases. katie - i can't thank you enough.

somehow i spend 36 hours traveling alone with my face all bandaged up, both arms in soft casts and in a lot of pain. i arrive in canada, 5 days after the accident, 4 days with no shower, and am taken to emergency. i don't think the nurses believe my story at first. "how hard did you hit you head?" i keep getting asked. i have surgery 2 days later on my right elbow. the left is broken too but not soo bad.

it has been 4 months since the accident. i will have surgery again this winter/early spring. my face is fine. my elbow is still weak and my right arm is 2 inches shorter than my left. i've learnt i have amazing friends and family. i wish i could thank all of the strangers in niseko, the airports and on the planes who helped me out. especially the woman in a tokyo airport bathroom who washed my face, combed my hair re-did my ponytail for me.

highlights of 2006 - part 2

april 29th - may 5th (or around there)

my good friend jan and i decide to take an over-night ferry to sado island. we have about $150 each, a tent, sleeping bags and a mission to travel only by foot or hitch hike. with a small budget, we really didn't have much of a choice.

we leave our tent in a park. this is not a camping ground, it isn't even sheltered. one side is the ocean, the other a road in the middle of a busy port city. i am sure camping is prohibited but we pitch the tent anyways, staying two nights. we leave our packs during the day. only in japan would i feel so safe about breaking rules and knowing my gear is safe.

we greet the same old man each morning we are there as he is very friendly to us. one night is very cold and wet. the local oba-san at the coffee shop gives us hard boiled eggs which are still hot. she explains we can put them at our feet to keep warm and eat them in the morning.

another good friend, kate, and her boyfriend decide to meet us on sado. we start a hitch hiking race - kate and yuki versus jan and i. kate and yuki take the easy way and jan and i take the longer, more scenic route (and we had already traveled the other path). we head off and see who will arrive first.

jan and i have some bad luck. we get dropped off in the middle of no where. no cars. no villages. just 2 white girls getting hot and tired. suddenly a car drives by. we basically dump in front of the car. it stops and a man gets out. it's the man from our morning conversations!!! small world. we are as excited to see him as he to see us.

we jump in his crammed car. his wife and mother are also inside and they have gifts of fresh flowers and homemade sweets to offer their ancestors. we drive to an old grave and say a small prayer. i feel privileged to be a part of this. i eat oba-san's sweets.

kate and yuki beat us. i don't feel bad about losing. how can this perfect day get any better? right. mary jane on a hill side running naked with your mates.

highlight of 2006 -part 1

some very wonderful (and not so wonderful) things happened to me this past year. think i'll share a few of the highlights with you over the next week.

july 22nd

it is saturday and i'm at rubeshibe high school where i have been an assistant english teacher for the past three years. it is the last day of the school festival and also my last day. i'm feeling sad but ready to go. ready for change. ready to speak and hear english every bloody day.

all 400 students and 40plus teachers are in the gym watching a video that was made showing the month's worth of prepartion, rehersal and practice for the festival. the lights are out and the curtains drawn across the windows. the video ends. a spotlight suddenly appears on me. "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........ttttttttttttt" i think to myself. i don't remember this in rehersal. one of my favourite students runs over to me "kt sensei. we sing for you. we sing. front come" i'm already crying.

i get to the front of the gym and face everyone. the students all stand up, some on their chairs and are yelling "i love you....we love kt....good-bye...ganbatte". the music teacher starts playing "sukiyaki" on the piano and the gym is filled with 400 voices singing for me. TO ME! it was the most beautiful moment.

at a party later that night a teacher comments how the students never sing their school song although they are supposed to.

i hope you dance

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder
you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
may you never take one single breath for granted
god forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance...i hope you dance

i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
never settle for the path of least resistance
livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin'
lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin'
don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
when you come close to sellin' out reconsider
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
and when you get the chance to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance...i hope you dance

time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
where those years have gone
i hope you dance...i hope you dance
i hope you dance

- mark d. sanders and tia sillers

kokoro

this is one of my favourite kanji (japanese character). it is pronounced 'ko ko ro" and its meaning is basically heart, spirit and mind. i love how in japanese one word has the same meaning yet in english they are generally perceived quite differently. i am thinking of getting another tattoo and this will be it. if i get it, i'll put in on the inside of my left hand, on the fleshy part below the thumb. it will be very small, maybe only a quarter of this size.

when writing kanji, one must follow an exact stroke order. i am hoping to find a japanese tattoo artist or at least teach him/her the stroke order. i'm really excited.

this can't be true

i found this link one someone elses blog:Daddy Dearest.

please please please. read the whole article. these girls are at a ball with their daddies....promising their virginity until their wedding nights. i have nothing against people's personal choices. however, should 8 year old girls be required to do this? eech.

writer's blog, er, block

i've got a bad case of writer's block or more like haven't-written-an-essay-in-4-years-i-don't-know-any-big-words
-syndrome. i've applied for 5 programs starting next fall and i've heard back from 2 requesting short essays on why i want to be in the program blah blah. i know why i want to go to school again - i love volunteer work, fundraising and basic NFP mandates and missions. i want a career in this field. why can't i just put it onto paper. i'm stuck.......i hate the bull shit academic lingo i feel i have to use. why 2-4 pages when i can sum it up like this:

i will rock in this industry because i believe in my heart in the values, goals and missions of most NFP groups. i will give you 100% dedicated hard work. i'm your woman.

run katie run

awhile back i wrote about how i was asked to be a group leader for a half marathon in may. i decided not to be a leader because it is a huge time commitment that i don't want to make right now (3 run clubs a week.....basically volunteer). however i have decided to do the half marathon and finished week 1 of my training. luckily i have a pretty solid base so on the 16 week program my work offers i'm starting around weeks 5 - 6. each week i have to do a short run, a long run (this week was 11km) and run which involves 10min. at a normal pace, 4 reps of 2 minutes sprinting 1 minute slow, followed by another 10min. at a normal pace. i'm really excited about it. the only shitty part could be when the roads are icy (although yesterday was 12 degrees) and i have to run inside. i find running on the treadmill so boring but i've convinced a guy at my gym to run the race with me so now i have a running buddy that's not work related.

to update on another past entry. the new 'peaceful' me project is well.....hmmm.... working retail at christmas is stressful but i'm doing ok. no major blowups instead some smiles.

o christmas tree

we put the christmas tree today. i've been so excited to get 'christmasy'! i didn't realize how much i missed seeing christmas lights on houses and decorations in windows. with a lobster dinner and xmas tunes from my childhood, we did the apartment up with style and class!

i sort of felt sad though. i think christmas gets sadder as we get older (?). people we love(d) and cherish(ed) are no longer in our lives for various reasons. as our consience develops we begin thinking more about those less fortunate, hurting and alone. i'm really glad to be here with part of my family this year.

asian kung fu generation

played some japanese cds for the first time since i've been back. why i'm not sure. so much came flooding back. susukino nights. big sunglasses with stripped slouch socks. karaoke. ramen. happy smiles from random strangers. purikura. school uniforms. obento. obon. yosakoi matsuri (sorry again kate and karl). sumo. tokyo. temples. tempura. soba. students. engrish. niseko. hiking. camping. skiing. dog sledding. my house. my mamachari. omiyage. paper work. racism. sexism. hitchhiking. shiba zakura. kaori. kindness. understanding. gestures. nomihodai. keitai. my crew. damiko's wedding. mullets. warugaki. high school boys. orange hair. laughs. fantastic plastic machine. tatami. mid-year conference. kate and yuki's apartment. scoobie. jan's princess skirt. khanse. akan. onsen. summer road trip 2005 in aomori. taiko. random hook ups. kanji. nengajo. smoking. drinking. mice in boxes. sleeping in tents. kimono. yukata. shrines. snow. snow. snow. trains. yosakoi lessons. rikujo-bu. speaking japanese. being famous. being alone. umeboshi. onigiri. sushi. miso soup. nabe. orange range. sinners. engaru. sapporo. hiragana. cherry blossoms. nihon ga daisuke. shit. i'm forgetting japanese quickly.

especially the crew :)

let it snow

i always love the first snow fall of the year....especially when it's this late (however global warming is a scary thing). i couldn't help but have an extra spring in my step and greet passers-by with well wishes. it's funny, give me the same weather in march and i'd be smashing the pavement in anger and cursing under my breath.

would LOVE to go for an onsen.

ever have one of those nights where you weren't expecting much yet turned out to be an amazing evening? that was me last night. i went to an ecstatic barefoot dance event. after a few performances it was free movement for all! no talking, no bad attitudes, no judgement, no booze....just beats and your own body moving to them. the music began very slowly and i felt a little uncomfortable as people rolled on the floor, did crazy-ass yoga positions and such. i just closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and floated away........................

faith

went to an event at a church on friday night. was the first time i had been in a church for years. despite the minor discomfort (the cross symbol scares me) i had a really fun night. on my way home i started thinking about faith and why people believe what they do. is it a sense of comfort? liberation? freedom? fear? brainwashing? rules to live by? i was thinking about my own faith and not sure i really had one. i hope people are religious in order to feel alive. positive. able to do anything. peaceful. connected to self/family/world. to feel inspired. willing to create change.

went to dance class yesterday. i realized my faith is dance. give me a beat and i come alive. amen.

and then there is always george michael......."well i guess it would be nice/if i could touch your body/ i know not everybody has got a body like you.........cause you gotta have faith faith faith"

interesting article

check out this article: http://www.feminist.org/news/newsbyte/uswirestory.asp?id=10016 (i can't get links to work so cut and paste address)

here is a preview "Keroack spoke at the Abstinence Clearinghouse’s conference in June on the connection between brain hormones and the ability to form meaningful relationships, saying that promiscuous women will not be able to form long-lasting relationships because they have used up all of their "bonding" hormone on casual sex, according to AlterNet."

i wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. very scary that someone who holds these views/beliefs hold such a place of power. usa. what can i say?

global haze proposal

i admit that i haven't spent as much time following climate change theories/proposals/issues as i should be. i'm not ignorant on the topic but i know i have a lot to learn about the topic too. i'm currently reading al gore's 'an inconvenient truth' which has a good basic overview of the current issues in very easy scientific jargon. (however it cracks me up that the book is MASSIVE....good waste of paper and over production....anyways). with the current climate change meetings in nairobi i've been learning more but also first hand experiencing climate change - it has been over 15 degrees everyday this month and tuesday was 20 degrees!!!
i was very disturbed to learn about the global haze proposal. basically if the earth's atmosphere warms too much, pollution would be deliberately put into the atmosphere to help reduce the warming. i think scientists believe this would be work becasue the sun's rays wouldn't be able to penetrate the atmosphere as much. anyone know if this is the correct logic?????? this scares me. in fact the proposal is meant to scare us. but scientists are actually thinking along these lines. have we reached the point of no return? i really hope once people from my generation start getting into high level policy making positions we can start thinking about the earth and her future.

dang!

well day one of the new 'peaceful' me was a bust. my thinking was that if i can be a less negative or hostile person then i'm doing my share of local and immediate good-vibe stuff. headed off to work and was grumpy with a few customers, even called one a bitch under my breath! yikes. this will take time but i really want to send out good energy. i believe if more positive energy was floating around in the atmosphere we'd all feel better. we all have our chance to contribute. deep breath..........less negative more positive.....less negative more positive......

peace

with the recent passing of remembrance day, i've spent more time than usual thinking about war, fighting, soldiers, peace keepers, medical personel and so forth. as i've discussed before on this blog, my grandmother came to canada from wales as a war bride after meeting my grandfather, a soldier, after WWII. last week hundreds of war brides from across canada took the train back to halifax to visit the pier where they entered. i spent time with my grandfather looking at photos and items he had kept from the war - love letters to my grandmother, 'leave' passes from duty for an afternoon, pay stubs etc. usually i don't stop and take time to remember those have fought in war and those who are fighting today. so this year on november 11th i did and i'm glad for it.

of course i oppose war, fighting and violence. but what do i do to promote peace? what can i do to help create a peaceful world? peaceful city? home? work environment? i've decided to make a commitment to myself to be a more peaceful person. i really believe it is going to be difficult but it is one challenge i'm up for.

taste of freedom

haven't discussed this before on my blog yet because i;m not exactly sure how i feel about blogging with regards to other people...however i'm going to talk about it anyway. in august a good friend was arrested and placed in jail in japan. she is guilty for her charges and has remained in jail since. it has been hard getting information about her case and how she is doing. her boyfriend has given me some updates. 2 of my letters have been returned unopened and i've feared she hasn't known my support for her. she is one of the most amazing people i've ever met. she sparkles. her being fills every room she enters. i have loved the times we have hung out.

i was so happy to have received a letter from her today. even though i know what a positive person she is, i was expecting a sad and depressing letter. not so!! she discussed the horrible conditions she is living in - a tatami room with 7 other women. one woman had just given birth and has to pump her breast milk daily - with no privacy. my friend *s* said the woman is so upset being apart from her baby so s massages her and tries to make her laugh. even though its below 0 during the evening, there is no heat. they are not allowed to wash their clothing. they do not get warm food. from 7am to 7pm they are required to remain sitting in the same position. s should be deported later this month. she said she can't wait to hug a tree, touch a leaf and shave her pits! oh the things we take for granted. i was feeling so bummed out today. again i'm humbled about how much i have.

boo! hiss!

as if no one has entered my oh-so-wonderful contest!! people people people. could it be possible that no one actually reads my blog? no of course not! silly me :)

anyways the first submission is from ME! i was feeling like shit on saturday - grrrr pms. so i treated myself to a wonderful afternoon/evening that seemed to do the trick. it started with a hair cut ('urban chic' - short and very blond in the front). had a smoke while walking around downtown eating chocolate to fill the munchies. finished the day off with a concert called drumfest. it was amazing. drumming from all of the world - african, japanese, native, rock, celtic - i loved it. belly dancers, breakers, highland, african. yipppeee.
i feel a lot more like giving high fives than giving punches.

CONTEST by SEXYELBOW

feeling lucky? wanting to win ******(yet to be decided)? well then why not enter sexyelbow's first contest. yippeeeeee. here are the details!

i get wicked bad pms. i'm tired tired tired of it. yesterday i would have shot a few customers had i not had a shot gun with me. i would have punched the bus driver for being a few minutes late but the fear of rebreaking my elbow held me back (and not wanting to hurt another person). i'm sick and tired of being irritable, bitchy, mean and moody. how can you help???????

what do you/your friends/mothers/sisters/girlfriends - whoever, do? send me your cures. magic pills?potions? rituals? i'll try anything. i'll let the lucky winner know in a few months.
ppplllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee

bye bye sneakers

quit the running room today, well actually gave them 10 days notice. i am only getting 25hrs a week and need to work more. i have 2, possibly 3, options. the first is to work at a fairtrade coffee shop downtown. the pay is low but their mission/mandate is amazing and i know i'd be fulfilled. they are hiring this week and a friend who works there re-introduced me to the manager. the second is an in-bound call centre for a bank. the pay is very good (double what i make now) and sweet benefits....but it wouldn't be fulfilling for me personally. if i take it i'd start in 2 weeks. the 3rd would involve me going to a temp. the pay would be o.k and who knows what i'd do.........

tomorrow is hallowe'en. anyone dressing up? going to walk around and watch the kiddies on my way to dance class. i have a pumpkin in the apartment and some candy although most of the candy is gone.

been busy getting ready for can. crossroad international's (cci - place i volunteer) fundraising auction. it has been good for me in many ways. i've been involved in work that i want to do as a career and love it. before going to japan to 'teach' i had considered becoming teacher. i quickly realized that teaching wasn't the profession for me. however i LOVE the ngo 'scene' and know this is the career for me. i've also met lots of people working in the field. there ARE jobs out there and i can't wait to get one of them. it also feels good to give back to the community.

yesterday i attended a regional meeting for cci. they had a woman from swailand there who works at an hiv/aids shelter. according to her, 40% of pregnant women in her country are hiv/aids infected. almost 50% of the population is affected as well. (i checked the unaids website and it said 33% between 15-49 years of age were infected) she explained the social, economical and psychological implications of this reality. she also said that the best thing for us to do to help in the fight against hiv/aids was keep our statistics down. currently 2% of canada's population is affected. it seems like such simple advice but the way she spoke was anything but simple.

booty required

started african dancing today. yea. so much fun. i love it because you need to have a nice, plump butt and lots of curve....which i do. felt amazing moving to the beats and pounding my bare feet on the floor. i hope to perform sometime.

speaking of performing.....hallowe'en is coming up! what are you going to be? my personal favourites have been my xmas tree a few years ago and of course my great mother nature get up. my nana even made me a wreath for my head from twigs, leaves and berries from her garden. weighed 10lbs i swear.

looking for new work. whether i like it or not, i need a job that pays somewhat close to my salary in japan. and that means call centre. eeeech. i'll be going to a temp agency next week but i may have to work outbound calls until i go back to school.

will you be my friend?

it's so easy making friends as a kid. you go outside with your pogo stick/basketball/tricycle/barbies etc. and start chatting to the other kids on the street. before long, you are out every day playing cops and robbers, street hockey or skipping. school days are just as easy - 100s of people to choose from and lots of way to socialize. why is it harder as adults?
how does one make friends as an adult. it's hard! i know i've only been here a week but i'm getting restless (however i did have a great night dancing on friday at the marquee). i really wish it was ok to walk up to someone and say "hey, wanna be friends". maybe i should and see what happens. i wonder how i'd react if someone did that to me.

feeling really good these days. have a few hours at the run room but am looking for something full time until i go back to school next fall. i've been asked to be a group leader for a half marathon in the spring. i said i'd think about it as it seems WAY out of my league. i'd the pace setter for the 'slow' group - goal being running the race in under 2 hours and 15 minutes. would be an amazing challenge for me though.

started volunteering with can. crossrds int (can we put organizations' names on blogs?) feels great being involved with some worthwhile projects. helping with a fundraising auction next week and then will be doing some research about gender and violence in swaziland. exciting!

come and visit me y'all! japan crew: I MISS YOU GUYS sabishi da yo

international day of poverty eradication

october 17th is 'world day to overcome extreme poverty'. the premise, according to the UN, is to get people to think about how they can help fight against poverty and also join local events. i joined the 'stand up against poverty' campaign yesterday. it was a global project trying to set a world record for the most people standing up (literally) against poverty (can't imagine it's a large category but was a fun way of getting the message out). a small crew came out where i was but there were huge demonstrations happening across the globe. infact, some cities are holding the event today (16th). so check out the stand up against poverty website to see if any events are happening where you are TODAY!! http://standagainstpoverty.org/node/5757

i do think about poverty sometimes. i often complain how 'poor' i am, how bad my wages are, how i can't afford a lot of things i want. WANT. it's the key word here. everyone reading this has all of the basic necessities of life. we are not poor. i need to stop and remind myself that i am very rich compared to most people on the planet. but what's the best solution? donations? buying fair trade products? should money even be such a large factor? aren't the real problems access to food, clean water, shelter, 'education' and medicine?

48 hours to go

leaving ottawa and heading to halifax in 48 hours. packing (again) and putting things into storage. i am such a pack-rat. i just can't throw anything out. i was looking at photos from 15 to 20 years ago - it was hilarious! tomorrow dad and i are going mini golfing. should be fun. i also have to say good-bye to my physiotherapist. i hope i don't cry. it sounds silly but she has helped me out so much and was always cheerful and upbeat. it made some very painful sessions so much easier.
tomorrow night i am meeting up with a friend from high school and we are going to rock downtown like two 16 year old girls. can't wait to go dancing. farewell ol'ottawa.

ridin' high

I DID IT. I DID IT. I DID IT!!! i rode a bicycle today for the first time since my accident. i went about 1km and at about 1km an hour. i was pretty scared to tell the truth but I DID IT. don't think my arm is actually strong enough just yet as it hurt a lot but at least i have been out on the road. i think i'll give it a go again in the spring. yippeeee

4 more sleeps until halifax.

turkey day

apparently the word 'thank' originates from the word 'think'. the original meaning of thank you implied that the speaker was thinking fondly of, or with gratitude, towards you. seeing how its canadian thanksgiving, i thought i'd give thanks for
*you
*use of my body
*sunny days
*family
*chocolate
*music
*peace makers
*earth

what are you thankful for?

loop

if there is an international film festival coming to your town, check to see if 'loop' is playing. it's a documentary filmed in norway about 5 men and their amazing views on life and the importance of nature in it. my breath was actually taken away twice (you'll have to watch and guess when) and it had my ol'brain on overdrive thinking about all that was said. it's not a hippy-go-and-live-in-the-forest-eat-granola-save-the-planet kind of movie. rather how nature is a release from the demands of conformity within society - both cognitively and behaviourly.

2 more days out west. i came looking for a place to live and will return knowing that that isn't my focus now. i need to go back to school and wherever a good program takes me, i will go. i feel so relieved. i cannot wait to hit the books again!

run kt run

running around like a chicken with its head cut off - ottawa, halifax, ottawa, vancouver, victoria, vancouver, ottawa and soon to be halifax again. refreshing to realize i can run all i want. i can search all i want. i can seek the perfect place but what i'm looking for is really me. won't be happy or settled until then. breathing breathing breathing

met a first cousin once removed (? what does that mean exactly) for the first time last night. nice chilling with family and getting the inside scoop on family affairs.

my elbow is starting to move properly again.

selfish kt

ok i admit it. i'm selfish. this trip has made me really realize what i've always suspected - i want what I want, when i want it, when i want to do it, who i want to do it with etc. i've been fortunate enough to have had friends allow me to stay with them while visiting. however that means i'm also on their schedule and I HATE IT. i don't want to drive around while doing chores, i don't want to visit places that aren't really that interesting, i don't want nor need to spend every freaking minute with your partner. grrrrrrrrrrrr i think i forgot i that i like to travel alone. should i really be going into the social services when people apparently drive me mad?
however victoria seems like a nice city. it's nice smelling the ocean air again.

eye opener

enjoying the feeling of having my backpack on again. have caught up with friends from ottawa and halifax and its been great laughing at high school memories.

i've always considered canada a very safe country. people openly shooting up and/or smoking crack in public was something i didn't think we had here (or at least very rare to be seen). i have seen so many used needles on the streets here. people cracked out walking/stumbling throughout the city. hundreds of homeless people. aside from manila, this is the first city where i've actually felt nervous walking around - and this was at 11am this morning. now i admit i am a little naive and the fact that i've spent the past 3 years living in a village of 5,000 where
j-walking is a serious offence has probably softened me HOWEVER i am very shocked at vancouver's obvious social problems. i am glad i have been awakened.

the trees here are amazing

west coast

arrived in vancouver yesterday and was greeted by 2 japanese friends i had met while in japan (obviously). been brushing up on my japanese skills and eating lots of food i have missed. checked out a cool art exhibit on granville island. last night went to a great drum n bass show in east van. and danced like nobody was watching. it was awesome. i cant believe how much pot smoking goes on out here. ive never seen anything like it. it seems strange not to smell it!
off to stanely park to enjoy the sun, ocean and mountains.
hey its october. gotta get my halloween costume on the go!

bc here is come!

off to vancouver and victoria tomorrow. i am super excited. i didn't realize how many people i knew out there! lots of reunions and sight-seeing to do. i will be checking out a college in victoria that has program i'm interested in called 'community, family and child studies'. it looks really exciting so i'd like to get more info. will get a chance to do some hiking and i've been promised it's not too hard (read don't need arms). so if you send me your address i'll be sure to send a postcard to ya. have my last shift today. i was really lucky that they let me work this week even though i quit the same day i got hired. extra cash is always good.

tattoo and butt noise

i was changing at the gym yesterday when i woman complimented me on my tattoo. at first i didn't know what she was talking about. my wha.....? i guess one of the drawbacks of having a tattoo on your back is that you don't get to see it and thus forget it's there. i can't remember the last time i looked at my tattoo. i went to the mirror and looked at it. yes, she was right. it is rather nice. i'm glad i still have it.

************

do you ever pass gas in public expecting it to be a silent puff of wind when instead it creates a thunderous roar? happened to me yesterday. tried moving my foot to create a sound, any sound, on the floor but of course it didn't work. damn i hate that.

falling leaves

i love autumn in canada. the days are getting cooler now and i love getting out my sweaters and feeling the chill in the morning air. the leaves are those wonderful shades of orange and red. i saw a man racking yesterday. i remember when i was young jumping in piles of leaves and throwing them high in the air. i loved the smell of leaves burning in our ditch. do people still have ditches?

i think its haiku time

falling leaves cool breeze
a canadian autumn
thanks giving pumpkin

it all worked out

i was coming home from a cool festival (short animation) when i realized that i just couldn't live in ottawa. i'm too far from downtown, too far from work and just not feeling the vibe. i decided i'd quit my job and go to halifax. i couldn't sleep all night. was i making the right decision? was quitting a job dumb?

anyways when my dad got up at 5am i was of course still up. we chatted for a few hours and i HAVE FINALLY MADE SOME DECISIONS ABOUT MY LIFE!!! i quit my job this morning. i was really nervous because i felt so bad about having gone through the interview process and some training etc. my manager still asked me to work today as he was short staffed. when i got there he called the store in halifax and is trying to get me transfered which would be sweet! i would have a job all lined up. also i can work there this week so i'll have a few extra pennies. here is my plan.

i'm going to vancouver and victoria next week. i'm going for 10 days. my dad had the good point that while i want to move there, i've never actually checked the place out and maybe i should. when i get back i'll go to see the surgeon then hit halifax until january and then vancouver.

that's it. done. i feel great. i'm really happy. i swear i won't write about this anymore

this and that

started my new job yesterday. i think i'll be able to survive it for a few months. working at the running room. cool part is that i get to join running clinics as a participant and as a motivator. i've joined the 10km clinic for the fall and have set a goal to finally run a half in the spring.

totally tripped out watching clouds this morning. i love clouds and sometimes forget to enjoy them. i love cumulous (sp?) the most - so fluffy and fun.

rereading the beauty myth by naomi wolf. it's interesting that modeling and prostitution are the only jobs where women continually earn more money than men. the various waves of feminism have done wonders at helping women (largely white hetero) at bettering their lives and creating areas for power and choice. i agree with wolf that the beauty ideology/myth is still one of the largest social constructions holding women down. i think it's one of the hardest to dismantle because women are key holders in their own oppression/misery. we continually objectify ourselves and other women. i believe women view other women more than men do and that their gaze is negative whereas men's isn't as much. or that at least women's and men's gazes are different.

going to see a brazilian animation at the national art gallery tonight. wanna come? i'm getting bored of going out alone.

what am i going to call - heads or hearts?

i've noticed that i'm not able to make decisions anymore. is this part of getting 'old'? when i was younger i'd jump for anything - i only applied for one college, one university and usually one job. i wouldn't weigh pros or cons, i'd just say to myself "yup, this is it" and go for it. now is look at too many factors. i'm not sure which is better but it's driving me crazy.

i'm trying to decide where to live for the next few months before heading out west. if i follow my head, i'd probably stay here in ottawa, if follow my heart, i'd probably go back to halifax.

PRO OTTAWA: surgeon is here, physio and chiro established, probably have a job (find out this week), possibility of meeting new people, able to save more money
CON OTTAWA: if i get the job the commute will be 1 hour each way, live in the suburbs (EECH), have my own room but its also the communal computer room

PRO HALIFAX: feel comfortable and at home there, have my own room, family and few friends are there, possibility fo meeting new people, commuting to downtown is 10 minutes
CON HALIFAX: need to establish medical stuff (would be referred to surgeon but not sure how long waiting list is), wages are lower, because i know people down there i'd be going out more and not saving as much

if you managed to read this horribly boring blog THANK YOU. what do you think?

just got a phone call. i got the job. wow. i need to decide today

pier 21

just arrived back from a wonderful 10 days in halifax. now my head is spinning spinning spinning. i want to go back and live there. i feel lonely in ottawa. but the ottawa/halifax debate is for another day (and it's pretty damn boring).

halifax is a coastal city located by the atlantic ocean (for my kiwi readers). it's an important city for canada because many immigrants arrived there until the 1970s. they would arrive at pier 21. pier 21 is also were soldiers left (and hopefully returned) for war.

pier 21 is also an important place for me and my family. my grandfather was in ww2 and left by ship from pier 21. while he was fighting he met a woman who would become his wife and my grandmother. when the war finished, my grandfather returned home to canada and entered at pier 21. a little while my grandmother, from wales, came to canada and arrived at pier 21 too.

i visited pier 21 last week. both of my grandparents' names are on plaques hung at pier 21. they have both played roles in canada's history and development. i couldn't believe it was my first time to visit such a special place.

memory box

arrived in halifax on sunday. i LOVE this city. as a child i'd come here every summer with my family and spend 2 weeks eating my grandmother's food, playing with my cousins, laughing at my funny uncles, swimming in the ocean and just being happy. i came here for univeristy too. needless to say, this place is filled with happy happy memories.

however when i arrived on friday all of my boxes from japan were waiting for me at my mom's (i was suppose to be living here not ottawa). i tore into them looking for my clothes, cds and odds and ends. instead i came across my yukatas (summer 'kimono'), my shodo pieces (japanese calligraphy), instant raman packets, chopsticks, photos from my life - friends, students, drunken karaoke scenes, letters from students, obento boxes, things you hang from your cell phone (what are those called?) and so on. i felt very strange (and thanks lorax for your thoughts on this), here i was, in the city of my past, looking in boxes at the evidence at how i had changed over the years. my mantra as i was leaving japan was that i had to keep my wheels in motion. neither halifax nor ottawa are motion for me. they are places of comfort. once i'm better, i'm a woman of motion again. decided on vancouver, 2007.

like, ya, totally

so i'm like on the like bus...like whatever! anyways, i'm like on the like bus and there are like these 2 girls like totally sitting beside me and like talking sooo loud. i'm like, hello, can you BE any louder? anyways, these like 2 girls who are like obviously from toronto (no offence ej), are like talking about their like first week of university. like can you be any younger? so like one of them, the one in like the roots yoga gear or like lululemon gear or like...no wait, they're like dressed the same...you know the like ipod with mainstream hiphop beats, cell phone, and like the starbucks in like the paper cup and the like $100 jandles/flip flops, well like you know, these two girls are like really one because they are like so the fucking same are like talking about this LOSER who was in their like frosh group. droid 1 "oh my god, did you like see his like greasy hair" droid 2 "like I KNOW. totally gross. and the girl with the like huuuuge zit on her like nose. like whatever, i would like never leave the house with a zit on my nose. like people would like tease me you know." droid 1 "ya, totally"
like whatever droid, no one would like ever make fun of you ....you know?

note from editor: sexyelbow actually loves toronto so like no hate kay?

eyes on the road and my hands up on the wheel

well i did it!!!! i took the first steps in getting my driver's licence! i can't believe it. i studied all weekend and only got one question wrong! yippeee. the ironic part is that i can't actually physically drive until my arms are stronger. but when i get the green light (pardon the pun) i'll be jumping behind the wheel. anyone volunteers for teaching me?

yumiko: looks like you are the only one in the "can't drive" club. guess the whole pregnant thing is a good excuse....for now!

3 needles

watched the movie '3 needles' last night. i'm still not sure what i think about it and would love to have a coffee with someone and discuss it. the plot takes place in south africa, canada and china and each country's beliefs, views and attitudes towards hiv/aids is explored. i wonder if i was hiv positive if i would have been offended by the film. i liked the cross cultural comparison and found it well done. i thought the portrayal of women to be somewhat disturbing. not sure if that's because their portrayal is realistic or because its not. does that make sense? i am specifically referring to the nun in south africa. won't give the movie away. watch it and let me know what you think. you may need tissues or a barf bag.

things i'm happy about today

• found out 5 minutes ago that my favourite couple are going to be parents
• discovered a wonderful japanese grocery store today - brought home natto, pokey sticks and mochi with anko (what are those called?)
• was able to bend my elbow enough to make 90 degrees!
• listened to black eyed peas and rocked out while eating my natto
• saw so much PDA today.....forgot that it's ok to kiss and hold hands in public
• went to a club alone last night and realized today that before i moved to japan i would never have done that
• the sun is shining
• i will be in halifax in one week
• that i'm a happy kid overall

THE SEXY ELBOW

well here it is! my elbow one week after surgery. my mom had the luck of cleaning it and putting it back in the soft cast. i think the hardest part was probably dealing with me - i was very close to vomiting/passing out even though i couldn't see it nor feel a thing! about 10 days ago the staples came out and the scar is actually going to be very small. for those of you who have never had staples like these, they remove them just as you would removing staples from paper.....it didn't hurt but i was freaking out just the same.

so what's your biggest scar? biggest injury? grossest experience? in the spirit of japanese english "LET'S STORY TELL"

bizarre breeding

went to the museum of nature today. they had an exhibit called 'fatal attraction' which showcased a variety of species with strange and/or interesting mating rituals. after walking through the exhibit i watched a short documentary called 'bizarre breeding'. did you know that when praying mantids mate, the female eats the male's head (the one above the shoulders)! he becomes completely decapitated but the nerves in his body keep him going! by eating the head, he helps nourish the female and therefore his offspring. hmmm, puts a new spin on 'giving head'.

thanks for the smile kid

i was out walking around dusk last night. approaching me on the side walk were two boys, about 7 or 8 years old. they were talking about whatever it is little boys talk about when the street lights turned on. the blonde one puts both of his hands on either side of his head and goes "oh crap, the street lights are on. i gotta go." and promptly takes of, running in my direction. i chuckle to myself. i remember when i was young and my curfew was whenever the street lights came on too. ("but mom.......the street lights where pam live AREN'T on yet. they must go on a different times." bad liar) just as the kid passes me i look behind me. i see this kid, who is now alone, launch into a front somersault, stand up, and do some crazy side leg kicks. he stops, brushes the grass off, and continues walking down the sidewalk. i get this HUGE smile across my face. how nice it must be to be 'free' of societal behavioural norms. or at least not give a shit. when was the last time i launched into some gymnastics or dance moves, alone, in public? so i did a little dance, alone, in the middle of a street in the middle of suburbs. and it felt great. i hope someone saw me and that it put a huge smile on their face.

going around in circles

i've been sitting at the computer for 3 days now

i am slowly going crazy 123456 switch
crazy going slowly am i 654321 switch

i google "volunteer overseas" i google "volunteer canada" i google "jobs in ottawa" i google "jobs in vancouver" i google "career counseling" i google "dalhousie and masters" i google "chai recipe" i google "SHOOT ME"
i am so stuck. i have all this energy. all this drive. all this ambition. i just don't know where to put it. there are heaps of great opportunities out there - local, national, international, paid, volunteer, intership - i don't know what my problem is. i feel like i have this mental block or a boulder blocking my next path.
however i have signed up for two very basic computer classes next week and have decided to take a first aid course. and belly dancing. yippeee
current plans 10:15 - move to vancouver by january
current plans 10:16 - go back to university in ontario
current plans 10:17 - go to college in nova scotia
current plans 10:18 - volunteer in kenya
current plans 10:19 - chill out with a coffee and good book

breasts

while reading yesterday, i came across 2 items that made me think about women's bodies, specifically breasts. the first is from one of the books i'm reading titled "the only bush i trust is my own" by periel aschenbrand (despite promising title it's not a great read). she writes "I think we should put our tits to better use - it's prime advertising space being wasted on vapid slogans like "Princess"." she then gives examples of political slogans we could wear. ok yes, she is still using her breasts to get a message across, still encouraging her body to be objectified, however on terms that she fells is justifiable. of course that in itself makes for an interesting discussion. however i'm interested on what you'd put on YOUR shirt? your chest. in university i had a shirt made up that read 'peace'. i think if i made another one today, i'd have the same thing printed on it.

2.the second came from an article i read called 'hanging torsos'. its about an artist who made 119 molds of different women's torsos to show the diversity in women's bodies. what struck me was why she did it. in the article the artist states "she learned that the biggest graduation gift in the United States in 2204 for high school students was breast implants." WHAT? HUH? i actually find this very hard to believe. perhaps i don't want to believe it (the source of this statistic is not provided). i'm actually quite speechless about it.

back to work

yup i'm 28, single, unemployed and living with my dad. that could be viewed as bad however i had planned this for a few months (except the single part!). i'm currently trying to figure out what my next step is. its frustrating really. i know i want to work for a ngo. i want to be active in the social justice scene whether its working with/for women, the environment, human rights etc. i'm just not sure how to get my foot in the door. i'd prefer not to go back to school. i want experience. i'm currently debating whether to do a year long volunteer service overseas or to move out west (where i'd like to end up) and try and get a job there. or maybe do a yearlong volunteer position in canada (why do i think i have to leave canada inorder to make the greatest difference?) my head is so jumbled with ideas, solutions, possibilities, wants, dreams and desires. i don't want to rush into a decision but that is so my style.
so i've decided for the time being that i'm working from 9am to 2pm daily (and yes updating my blog was my first assignment.....slacker). today i'll check out dental insurance plans and posting for ngo positions, both for employment and volunteer.
i hate being in limbo. i love being in limbo.